Fancy seeing you here, Sanjay.

Everybody loves a free party. Especially the cult. In fact, I would say that going to parties involving free booze, food and the possibility of standing next to slebs is the Cult Weeknight Pastime. Luckily, some of the cult have proper jobs and get invited to things like the Q Awards After Party on Monday night. And luckily (for me) some of the cult invite me to be their plus one…

(Rather than give you a blow by blow account of my night, I thought I would give you some excerpts of my finer conversation points, mostly delivered at the top of my voice to my friend Rosie, the drummer of Vampire Weekend or his publicist. I case you are wondering, I have just got back from a week long family holiday in Spain so it took me a while to, you know, resocialise)

Don’t you just hate bowling?

Delivered to Rosie approx 10 mins before shamelessly throwing myself into a game just because a semi-famous drummer was on our team.

It’s your turn, Ian!

To Jon, the publicist

I can’t believe they cut the power on our game of bowling in our last frame

What I meant is, “this is great, perhaps no one noticed I only got 37 points”.

There really aren’t any actual musicians here

To Chris, the drummer from Vampire Weekend and winner of the Best Video award.

God, sometimes I just think that I have “come and talk to me you nutter” written on my forehead

Again, to Chris, my NBF, immediately after a rather a gorgeous groupie (I don’t know if you are allowed to say that anymore but whatever) came over to hit on Chris but got scared off by my waffling about bowling tricks.

People are pretty laid back about abortions in Britain

To Chris, again. Such a perfect topic of conversation for a party, particularly someone you have just met who is basically trying to humour you with small talk.

Do you want to smoke? No? Me Neither.

To quite a few people before finding a smoking buddy and then moaning because Mica Paris was holding court on the smoking patio and she is, frankly, cretinous.

Mica Paris is, frankly, cretinous

Muttered under my breath because she is also, frankly, mannish and could beat me up.

I am a journalist

To a journalist.

I am writing a novel

To a lovely man whose wife is actually a novelist.

Bloody Sanjay from Eastenders is everywhere

To quite a few people. He is. It’s weird. He is either my stalker or both of us go to the opening of an envelope. Rose thinks he may have heard me. Hopefully he isn’t, you know, dangerous.

Robbie Williams is here!

In response to someone saying, “oh look there’s Robbie”. They meant DJ Rob Da Bank.

I’d love a Vodka and Canada Dry please

The worst drink ever. It was one of the only free ones left.

When you meet me for lunch tomorrow, I will have greasy hair because my shower is broken

Via text to my best friend rather late at night in the taxi home. I had only just remembered said broken shower and definitely needed to offload this burden regardless of whether I woke her up or not. 

I’ve been to the Q Awards

Showing off (and lying) to my neighbours who I bumped into on the way into my house.