Happy Co-Dependance Day!

Here at the cult we get pretty jangly if we don’t see each other every day. Seriously. So, if your summer “fling” isn’t working out quite the way you hoped and you are feeling a little needy, here is The Cult’s Top Ten Co-Dependant Power Ballads to mark August 18th as Co-Dependance Day.

Altogether now, I can’t live, if living is without you…

1. “I Have Nothing” by Whitney Houston. The sentiment is both threatening and needy. Just like the cult.
2. “I Just Don’t Know What To Do With Myself” by Dusty Springfield. The world’s first lesbian always knows exactly how we feel.
3. “Always on My Mind” by Elvis Presley. “I’m so sorry I will be a better person, please take me back” is not a sentence I would like to admit to saying so let’s look to The King to put it more poetically.
4. “Without You” by Mariah Carey. Life. Is. Over.
5. “Bleeding Love” by Leona Lewis. Bleeding. Love. Everyone knows that is the most serious kind.
6. “She’s Like The Wind” by Patrick Swayze. Yeah, so, Patrick Swayze sings this. What’s funny about that? 
7. “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston. or Dolly Parton. For-ever.
8. “We Belong Together” by Mariah Carey. That’s not very emancipated, Mimi. But true, nonetheless.
9. “Always” by Bon Jovi. My 15 year old self insisted.
10. “Crying” by Roy Orbison. The only soundtrack for staring out a rainy window. And crying.

Thank you Birmingham

Someone at Birmingham City Council is feeling very bad about themselves today. It has been revealed that as part of an initiative to celebrate Birmingham hitting their recycling targets the council has produced a leaflet with the jazzy slogan “Thank You Birmingham” emblazoned across a backdrop of Birmingham city skyline. They distributed 720,000 leaflets across Birmingham at the cost of £16K to the taxpayer.

Why is this interesting? Never mind the irony of distributing 720,000 paper leaflets to celebrate a citywide reduction in waste. No no, this is in the headlines because the skyline pictured across the leaflet is not Birmingham, UK. Nor is it another city in the UK. It is Birmingham, Alabama, USA. Ooops. To add insult to injury this blunder was noticed by a resident who is a regular visitor to the US and did a google search. Then called the BBC before Birmingham Council. Nice one.

I can see how this happened. It is the result of a quick google search to find Birmingham skyline and “yeah that looks about right” attitude. And I can just see the Birmingham City Council employee thinking right. Leaflet images. Done. Then bounding out the door to the pub. Most people would be outraged that no one at the Town Hall noticed. Here at the cult we are pretty amused and feel sorry for whoever is getting shouted at today because frankly, it is exactly the sort of thing we would do.

Tough week for Tom…bad buzz, no mates and he still hasn’t grown!

It has just been one thing after another for our plucky little foot soldier, Tom Cruise, this week.

It got off to a bad start for Tom when he showed up to the premiere of his new film Tropic Thunder to find some angry disabled people with placards saying “Ban The Word. Ban The Movie”. What is their problem? Oh the film uses the word Retard a lot. Ooops. Unfazed, Tom and Katie walked along the red carpet smiling like idiots and secetly hoping that no one mentioned the S-word to the already-angry disabled mob. Because you should not talk about Scientology when disabled people are around…it doesn’t go down very well. Even more insulting than seeing a movie with the word Retard in, is seeing someone whose “church” tells you that it is your fault you are in a wheelchair in that movie. That could’ve been awkward and Tom is a sensitive chap. At least his cameo as a studio fat cat in Tropic Thunder is getting good buzz.

Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for Cruise’s next vehicle, Valkyrie. The trailer looks a bit lacklustre and what a surprise! It is about one man saving the world! Yawn. And the release date has been moved back repeatedly. On Wednesday it was pushed from October to December 2008. This is never a good sign.

To add to Tom’s Worst Week Ever, it was announced yesterday that his long-time producing partner and former agent Paula Wagner is set to leave United Artists, the MGM-financed studio they took over after they fell out with Paramount in 2006. I say they, I mean Tom. It is a tough blow for Tom whose future at UA is now uncertain and especially as they still have Valkyrie hanging around their neck and Tom is now goin’ it alone to the investors. Come on Tom! Remember how much you love goin’ it alone? Harden up. 

On top of this, Cruise’s friend and fellow Scientologist, music legend Isaac Hayes died this week (or gone to Xenu which is how I think they say it) and Tom still hasn’t grown any taller.

I hope he doesn’t get depressed like Brooke Shields. In his time of need when it is too easy to kick the little guy when he’s down, we must remember that all he is trying to do is “clean this place up”.

Repeat after me…

We like

• Scotch eggs. The mini ones from Sainsbury’s are best eaten in handfuls when alone. Sssh
• Smoking rollies. It makes me feel young and laidback. And I’m not, particularly.
• Rumours by Fleetwood Mac. The greatest album ever should be listened to with a rollie in one hand, just like mum and dad used to.
• Denise Richard’s – It’s Complicated. And it’s funny. She says fuck a lot and has a loud laugh. Just like us.
• Purple nail polish. What was I doing pissing about with red all this time?
• Naps. How on earth did I survive a whole day in an office without one?

We hate

• The Olympics. If you like sport so much go and do some.
• People who ask where your dress is from. Yes it is  Primark and no I didn’t watch that documentary.
• Coriander in my salad. How did we get here?
• The Ting Tings. She has an arrogant face and only one song.
• The Tudors. Don’t bother watching series 2. If you must, watch The Other Boleyn Girl instead. Neither are that good.
• Other people on the tube during the day. Why are there so many of you and why aren’t you at work?